2013 MCAS
Grade 10 English Language Arts Composition
Topic/Idea Development - Score Point 5

This composition is fully developed; relevant details support the central idea that pride and vanity can be dangerous character traits. Logical organization expands the ideas in a clear manner, but there is little subtlety to it, as evidenced by sentences such as the last one in the first paragraph: "The downfall Connie experiences is caused by pride, and is essential to the work as a whole." In the opening paragraph, Connie is identified as a character so flawed by excessive pride that "she attracts Arnold Friend, a devil figure" who "takes her away with him." Though further details are introduced and expanded in the body paragraphs, the overall effect of the writing is somewhat diminished by a tendency to repeat this basic theme of sin and consequential punishment. There are hints of what happens to Connie after she is taken away, but this is never explained, and the importance of this to the story is simplified to "[her] demise is important to the plot because it is the climax of the story." The writer does comment, however, that "her [Connie's] downfall adds to the theme because now it shows that one will always be punished for their sins," which begins to explore the larger issues the story raises. The lengthy conclusion expands Connie's downfall to the universal example of prideful and greedy characters in history, such as "Adolf Hitler, the infamous German leader in World War II, [who] wanted to conquer and rule the whole world rather than settling for a slightly smaller goal." Yet, this extra commentary seems tacked on rather than flowing authentically from the writing. Though well detailed and clarified by an appropriate use of language, the composition demonstrates a full level of commentary rather than a rich and insightful character analysis.