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My Brother
\-\My
brother is [RNPNwho I am going to write
about.] \-\My
brother, Eddie,#App01 is very special {to
me,} \,\CS#04he
takes me places and does=CV things {with
me.} \-\One {of
the thing} [MAJFwe do together]
[MAJFthat we both enjoy very much]
is
[RNPNwhen
he helps me
{with my baseball.}]
\-\He
helps me throw*INFDO06 my curve and fastball=CC
\R\RO#10[LAVFwhen
I have a game] he always comes to watch,*INFAV02
\,\CS#05[LAVFif
I hit a homerun] he runs and gets=CV
the ball \R\RO#11[LAVFwhen
I get home#NuA01]
he writes {on the ball} {for me.} \-\He
coached a team \C\and I played {on
it} \,\CS#06[LAVFwhen
I was eight] we won all our games.
\-\We bothe have a three wheeler, \,\CS#07he
made a trailer large enough to haul*INFAV07
both
{of our three wheelers} [RAVFso
he could take me {with him} [RAVFwhen
he went three wheeling.*GerNu02]]
\-\Eddie
has been looking {at some land.} \-\He
wants to buy*INFDO12 a wooded area [RAJFwhere
we could make three wheeler trails.] \-\He
always takes me {to the movies, bowling and the Pizza
Hut} [RAVFwhen he goes.]
\-\He
has a 1985 Yamaha motorcycle \R\RO#12he
also takes me rides {on it.} \-\Eddie
is a driver {for United Partical Service} known*GiveR03
{as
U.P.S.,} \,\CS#08he
has to wear a Brown uniform. \-\He
gets paid very good \R\RO#13that
is [RNPNwhy he can do all {of
these things.}] \-\Yesterday
he went {to Baltimore, Maryland} to pick*INFAV07
up next day air packages. \-\His regular
route, [MINJit is {in
Athens, MD.,}] sometimes consists
{of
three hundred boxes.} \-\Eddie
doesn't mind the hard work, \,\CS#09he
is 6'5" tall and weights=CV 190 pounds, also
very strong.=CC \-\I
could keep on writeing*GerDO04 {about
my brother,} \,\CS#10[LAVFas
you see] he is very special {to
me,} \,\CS#11What
can I say \R\RO#14he
is my brother.
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Analysis of Fragments, Comma-Splices
and Run-ons
CS #04 -- Amplification (possibly subordination):
There is a fine line here between amplification (the details of how he
is special) and subordination (the reasons why the writer considers him
special). A colon or dash implies he is special in that he takes me places;
"because" implies "I like him" because he takes me places. My readers may
feel that this distinction is too fine for a seventh grader to sense, but
it is possible that the writer sensed a connection, but did not want to
use the "because."
CS #05 -- Amplification: The main clause
after the comma gives an example of his watching.
CS #06 -- Amplification: Note that the "when
I was eight" probably also modifies the preceding "I played on it."
[He coached a team, \C\and I played on it -- [LAVFwhen I was eight] we
won all our games.] My experience with students suggests that this
revision, with the dash, is easier for students than is moving parts of
the sentence around, as in "[LAVFWhen I was eight], he coached a team [that
I played on], and we won all our games."
CS #07 -- Amplification?: A ", and" would
probably be preferable here. I'm counting it as amplification because the
splice joins the only two main clauses that concern three-wheelers. This
writer tends to use splices and run-ons to join sentences that are on the
same topic.
CS #08 -- Amplification? (or Subordination):
A period and capital letter would work well here, but the splice may suggest
that the writer was attempting to amplify his brother's role as a driver.
(A dash would probably be considered a stretch, but still within the range
of acceptability by most authorities.) The writer could have subordinated
the clause ("where he has to wear a brown uniform"), but may have sensed
that "where" shifts emphasis to the place and away from his brother.
CS #09 -- Subordination: "because he is
tall . . . ." The writer, however, may have sensed it more as amplification,
a description of Eddie.
CS #10 -- Subordination: "because, as you
see, . . . ."
CS #11 -- Other: I wouldn't call this
a careless error because the student has too many problems with splices
and run-ons.
RO #10 -- Other
RO #11 -- Other
RO #12 -- Subordination: "on which he takes
me for rides." I don't mean to suggest that the student should be pushed
into the subordination. Perhaps the best correction for the student
to make here would be a period and capital letter. My point is that the
run-on does suggestion the writer's sense that there is a close connection
between the two clauses. It is, as it were, the bud of a future rose which
simply needs time. Given that time, which may be as much as a year or two,
this run-on would probably be replaced by the subordination with "on which."
RO #13 -- Subordination: "so" clause of
result. (See RO #12.)
RO #14 -- Amplification: The missing question
mark may be a careless error, or it may reflect the writer's confusion
about how to handle the punctuation between the clauses. The second clause
is, semantically, an appositive (amplification) of the first. This becomes
clear when we phrase it as "What I can say is that he is my brother." We
have, however, undertaught the use of the dash and semicolon, so the student
probably did not know what to do here: "What can I say? -- he is my brother."
*****
In analyzing his own writing, this student
would, of course, have found the numerous errors which, in itself, might
frustrate him.. If I had been working with him, however, I would have pointed
out the perfectly correct and advanced subordinate clause used as an interjection:
"it is in Athens, MD." Positive reinforcement always helps. I would also
suggest (to teachers) that sentence-combining or instruction on gerundives
and appositives will not help this student -- they are more likely to add
to the confusion. The passage averages 9.6 words per main clause, which
is already slightly above the set average of 9.4. The longest main clause
is 25 words, which is well above the set average of 21.1, and the passage
averages 50 subordinate clauses per 100 main, well above the set average
of 42. (See.) Within the KISS Approach, this
student would be learning how to identify and punctuate the main clauses
in his own writing, which is exactly what he needs. |